What Your Gym Water Bottle Says About You...

Every time you go to the gym, you see a large variety of people. Whether it is a strict meathead, a first-timer, or a former high school hero, I'm more than willing to bet you fit ONE of the descriptions below:

1. The Classic Water Bottle

This isn't a great look overall. You spend $3.99/case of water every 30 days (assuming you go to the gym everyday) and you hate the planet. Each day you find a new water bottle to come along on your journey and by the end of the workout, you have that same wrinkly-ass bottle that pops and creeks just like the wrinkly skin you have when you are in the water for too long... You hate the Turtles and probably have no sense of sympathy for our planet that is deteriorating more and more everyday. You are the most casual "I go three time a week" person on the planet if you have this water bottle.

2. The Blender Bottle

Not a great look, but not a terrible look either. Everyone in the gym knows that this person is a "wanna-be Meat Head". You take your pre-workout, your protein, your creatine, and every other supplement under the sun, yet you just still can't shake the extra fifteen pounds of weight you have been wanting to lose for years. No one can disrespect you because you do hit every muscle group, and you include cardio, yet you have reached peak form and you might not look any better 5 years into the future as you did 5 years in the past. This category hits too close to home, and this is the stereotype that I fit perfectly. You a master of convince because you get to use this bottle for all your supplements, plus as a water bottle, great choice, lazy ass.

3. "The JUGgernaut"

Despite the cool name that I just came up with for this stereotype, you aren't a juggernaut: you're just a fake meathead. You are the person who says "yeah I lift" and then you proceed to talk about every little lift you do just to make your rear deltoid look that much bigger. You probably lift weight that is much too heavy for you, and you don't care because "it's all about the gains". You bring your Jug to every event throughout your day, and you are the same guy that drinks a Borg at a party... But you never "Borg" out of your "gym jug" because "one is for business, one is to party". It is kind of like how Nick Young said he didn't get tattoos on his shooting arm because "that one is strictly for buckets". You have a "gym jug" for "business" and a Borg jug "to party". You don't want to be this person because everyone automatically thinks you use steroids.

4. The "any bottle goes guy"

It would also be a huge shame to be this person. If you are the "any bottle goes guy" you might also never see the gym. You think that any form of getting "agua" into your body makes for a great workout. Although that is true, you are the same guy that has to refer to water as anything but water: "agua", "H2O", or even "Michael's Secret Stuff". You are the worst person at the gym because no one knows if they should be scared of you, or if you are a CEO of the Catholic Church (you come "Christmas and Easter Only" or in our case, once in a blue moon).

5. The Gatorade Bottle

Shoutout to all my high school heroes because this is probably you... Unfortunately, around the house, this is also me. You don't know anything but the "through-the-helmet money shot" that is squeezing the bottle through the face-mask of your helmet and getting the sweet release of quenching your thirst. The problem is you haven't put on that helmet in five years, and Coach isn't telling you to "get on the line" any longer. No matter what, you keep this bottle 5-inches away from your face, and know the exact angle of how to put that water in your mouth based on how much water is left in the bottle. This guy almost ALWAYS has water on his head, and it isn't from sweat but rather he is "cooling down" by squirting some precious water onto his scalp.

6. The Nalgene

If you have a Nalgene, there is a good chance of two things: you either are an avid hiker, or from the state of Colorado. I have never seen so many damn Nalgene's other than my time on the trails of the great state of Colorado.... Oops, I fit this stereotype as well. Your Nalgene has so many stickers on it, you can't see how much water is left, but by the weight of it in your hand, you know exactly how many hundredths of an ounce you have left. The most common person at the gym to have this water bottle is the former (or current) Cross Country runner who knows that the fully 3lb Nalgene alternating hands will be just enough weight to give them a small bicep pump as they run hills at 5 in the morning.

7. The Hydroflask

Yet another terrible place to sit. Similar to the Nalgene, you have an infinite amount of stickers covering every square inch of your Hydroflask other than the Hydroflask logo, just so everyone knows you had to put a down payment on your water bottle. You like your water ICE COLD, and it doesn't matter if it is an arctic freeze inside of that aluminium, as long as you know it's cold. Stereotypically everyone talks about how "this ice is from yesterday"... You mean to tell me, since yesterday, you have been drinking the same 32oz of water? The Hydroflaskian also has 37 different lids that they can equip as if their water bottle was their golf bag. They have one lid for "day-to-day", they have a sippy-cup lid for homework, they have the screw-off lid for hiking, and they have a special cap just to go to the gym. These are THE WORST bottles on the planet, because you are one 3 foot drop away from a certain dent that puts you into bankruptcy on your investment.

8. The Elkay (Water-fountain)

Lastly, the water fountain person isn't the right person to be either. You spend every 3 minutes walking from the weights back to the water fountain. You might as well just never drink water because you spent an allotted 40 minutes of your hour long workout walking back and fourth to the water fountain. If you are the water fountain person, succumb to one of the above stereotypes because odds are you fit into one of those categories anyways...

So no matter who you are, just know you can't win, because everyone who drinks water at the gym is human, and every human is an asshole.